RoboShark Publishing House & Fuzzy Kitty Emporium

October 5, 2010

A FEW NOTES ON QUEEFCORE

Queefcore is the genre of guitar-driven rock emerging from Sun Belt suburbs and exurbs in the early to mid-1990s.
Queefcore’s musical hallmarks are simple: riff-free guitar strumming, baritone mock Vedder vocals sung with a glee club blues accent, and everything else as accessory. Piano and organ will be added for “soul.” Keyboard washes will be added for “your mom.” Drums play in 4/4 time with little flourish.
The aesthetic: Old Navy with no more than three classic rock style nods. You should look like you shop at the mall but accessorize at the consignment shop. Hair is shaped, perhaps dyed, but never styled. Queefcore is “bros just hanging in a band.”
Queefcore is about bros feeling emotions: big, obvious, clearly stated emotions. Life is beautiful but hard, man, and sometimes you just gotta let it out. If you’re scared, the song starts out “I’m a little bit scared.” If you want the world to stop hassling you, the chorus of the song says this explicitly. If love lies bleeding in your hands, it may be literally bleeding in your hands.
The exception to this is Train. They get lyrical. This is why they are THE WORST QUEEFCORE BAND EVER.
The MOST QUEEFCORE BAND EVER is Matchbox 20. If you are unclear on the definition, the litmus test is “Would Matchbox 20 do this song, or like this song, or wear this pseudo-military jacket over a v-neck t-shirt and pair of cargo pants from Old Navy?” If the answer is “No,” then your test subject is NOT QUEEFCORE.
Bands that are decidedly Queefcore in one degree or another: Matchbox 20, Train, 3 Doors Down, Fuel, Hoobastank, Incubus, Lifehouse, Tonic, Creed, Vertical Horizon, Sister Hazel, Dishwalla, Daughtry.